I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
