Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
