that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
