dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
