This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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