I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
