My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
