Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
