My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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