i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
