You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
