Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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