How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
