i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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