totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
