Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sober January is a disaster.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
