Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
