You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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