I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
