I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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