Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
