I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
