textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
