i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
