Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
