I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
