i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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