do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
