the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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