His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
