Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
