Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
