This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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