My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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