It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
