I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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