If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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