My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
