He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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