I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
