how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
