I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
