I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
