That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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