You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
