Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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