One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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