jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
