Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
