you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
