I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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