oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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