what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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